Fun Outing Again~!!!

After my Portfolio submission, not very calm. I predicted that I might have to go for an interview as I might retain... Pretty Down... End up going out with that bunch of friends to eat and see see around... Haha when all over the north area of Singapore.

First we intended to go to Yishun. On the way we went around the devils bend~! (Nearly kanna knocked by a speeding car) but we end up in woodlands...Cause our dear driver Jonathan went into the wrong road...LOL...



After Lunch, we went to the punggol beach and have some smelly sea breeze... (factory is at the opposite shore, Malaysia liao) den walk around the forest there... Nothing much... We found trees and some rubbish... And a condom... -_- Everyone seems to enjoy themselves, we are laughing joking, posing for photos...haha... So convenient to have Jonathan and his red car driving us around.














And you know what...Zhi ling left foot prints with heart shapes on the sand~! LOL...Every step got heart shape...haha... Interesting...Suits her sweet character and voice...

Its a very hot sunny day, so tiring... From the start till the end of the trip, we are all uncertain of where we wanted to go... Everyone wants to go out..But dunno go where..LOL... in the end decide to go home la... too tired... le.. But on the way sending Jaclyn back, Finally dear jaclyn allowed us to visit her house...( she was always afraid tat we will find her house boring, messy...Etc -_-) We played Games~!! Fun lor...Who says tiring...haha... Uno Stacko~! ?? is it called Uno Stacko? that small little cuboids made everyone so excited over it..haha Jonathan seems tired le... Sun too hot...


Argh~! Fallen...LOL... erm...was it Zhi ling??? forget liao...haha... many times the thing nearly die at my hands...shaky ...shaky...haha





This is how the afternoon is spent, tiring... But nice memories. Aiyah...Left Ian and Yan ching le... and the little one...haha soon will have a total of 8 ppl~! hmm..I wonder David still wants to be here? From him, I see the drawbacks of miserliness, selfishness and lack of virtuous conduct. Its not a good life to live with thoughts of unhappiness and unsatisfactory with so many things. Abiding in virtue is my choice, the root of happiness for others and myself. May my mind be free from impure intentions. May I be pure towards all.

I do hope true friendship lasts... Like what jaclyn said last time was pretty true... we might not be together after we have graduated. It might be a worry, thats why I always strive to purify my mind from defilements... Just to be happy, to be true to them. If somebody is sad in the group, actually affects everyone. Unwholesome... If I am happy, when anyone was down, I can be a help to them, a refuge, a shelter... Thats what I wished to be. Awaits for my mind to open even more, till all beings I see, are friends, all I love and care, no fear, no grief.

Friends Forever~!.... Till Nibanna Bah~...haha Let's walk together on the right path, virtuously, happily, towards the end, guiding each other, supporting each other.

^_^

卑心

“无法带来灿烂的喜悦，
使我失去了笑容的自然。
因为我的存在，
产生了格格不入的场景。
因为我的丑陋，
美丽的友情，
被一层厚厚的自卑感污染。
犹如遗忘的古代，
被遗弃，
比较适合我的存在，
徘徊于遗忘的古代风潮。

我拥有一颗喜欢欣赏的心，
花草天空，人与事物，都很美丽。
但我没有能被欣赏的东西。
相貌堂堂，多才多艺不是为我而设，
纯洁的爱情友情离我更遥远。

仿佛缺少了聆听心跳的耳朵，
似乎没有了高山流水的刘伯温。
我必须学会知足，
因为很多很多，
我都不可能，也不可以，
甚至于不应该拥有。
在孤独的夜空，
寂寞的鑫境，
一无所有中学会知足，
应该是我唯一能有的吧。”

Looking deep... into it...

It was a nice day going out with Jaclyn, Zhi Ling, Hong Zhi, Jonathon and Jun Qing, but actually... I felt some sense of loneliness. It was a busy day today, helping Meme to fixed her autoviz drawing... and some reinstallation. Then go to parklane and find hong zhi ..etc and distribute software..LOL...

Anyway, they are playing CS at the lan shop, haha, I am good at "Italy"... hehe just tat i was too hungry and I grabbed my lunch at the Macdonals... but ..aiyah....they finish the game le... cannot play liao. Den we had nice "Dou Hua" dessert and when around shopping at bugis.

I find that, dunno why, whatever I say seems to be offending than entertaining. Hmm... I can't crack jokes and make people laugh...can't get much attention about what came out of my mouth... Not much topics I can chat with them... to prevent myself to say even more wrong things, I prefered to keep quiet.

Nice shoping around bugis and bugis junction, I got my Huo Yuan Jia finally. When I quietly following, it doesn't really feel good in me le. Hong Zhi actually came to me and ask whether if I was bored and tired,cause I didn't really shop...haha... In fact, I don't feel bored. I am feeling 自卑 only. Really feeling a sense of inferiority.

It's so great to be able to crack some jokes like hz and jon, and ppl are laughing happily, speaking happily to each other, but most of the time, it was a kind of serious when talking to me. Seeing them laughing together and joking around, making ZL so hyper active... but it just can't happen on me. So lonely... they are all handsome guys and pretty ladies, having nice tastes. Everything looks nice on them, whether they are choosing for caps, shirts or watches.... and i am just looking from behind.

That kind of fear came again, I was so afraid of mirrors again. I don't want to see myself, with them.. in the mirror, neither do I want to look at myself, because I felt i am so ugly, boring, nothing really suit me. Looking again, I am wearing, shirt with burmese kind of style and a white long pants with a slippers. and the others, nice and fashionable bags on them, nice style on caps, fashionable t-shirts. They are just like cliques..and I am just extra... and not suitable.

I dunno how I made myself so bad in acadamics. I am bad in my school work, they are good students, scored well, likable to everyone. I am just far below, I felt that I can't be fit into this bunch of people le. It is so disgraceful.

Sometimes... its not that I don't want... But I am just afraid... I had never went shopping at things like tat before, plus, Looking at them, capable, good looking... I am so afraid of ugliness in me.... I don't dare to comment or to try on those stuffs.

It was never their fault, really. Its the sense of ugliness in me, its me, I am the one. I didn't looked down at those fashionable and trendy things, its just , when I saw, Its so nice on them... I scared nothing suits me...

Putting, zl, jon and hz, looking at them, talking, laughing, trying on caps, which looks nice on them... I felt that I am irritable and disgusting to like her. I am just too ugly to fit with nice things. Even in BS, there is people like tobbie, derrick, ming gen, who oftens got prasied and well liked by most people, which too made me feel that... I just can't fit into these people. I am not well liked, I am just like an anti social person...

All these things...deep inside, was one reason, I wanted somebody to be at myside, where she can keep my accompanied, someone who is personal to me, and can understands... I need some tender care and concern too...

They are my friends, yet I seldom able to offer help to them, whereas they aways came and offer help. I tried to give as much as I could, because I want to be their friend as well, a true friend, which is useful to others as well...

“无法带来灿烂的喜悦，
使我失去了笑容的自然。
因为我的存在，
产生了格格不入的场景。
因为我的丑陋，
美丽的友情，
被一层厚厚的自卑感污染。
犹如遗忘的古代，
被遗弃，
比较适合我的存在，
徘徊于遗忘的古代风潮。

我拥有一颗喜欢欣赏的心，
花草天空，人与事物，都很美丽。
但我没有能被欣赏的东西。
相貌堂堂，多才多艺不是为我而设，
纯洁的爱情友情离我更遥远。

仿佛缺少了聆听心跳的耳朵，
似乎没有了高山流水的刘伯温。
我必须学会知足，
因为很多很多，
我都不可能，也不可以，
甚至于不应该拥有。
在孤独的夜空，
寂寞的鑫境，
一无所有中学会知足，
应该是我唯一能有的吧。”

Its the end of 2nd Sem...

Will it be a sad or a happy ending?
Will I get promoted?
I submitted my first on time work only during the 2nd Semester...
What was the wrong move I took?
It is too late to say much... No matter what is the result... I have to accept it.
This is the Law of Kamma. Only I can save myself.

"Doing whatever should be done,
Happiness will not be a stranger"

This is layman's code of conduct. I saw this only when its too late.
Come'on~! Be Strong... Face it. Don't regret. Don't do anything which causes regret.
Don't ever have bad habits... Its will had a hard time changing. It's just like drug addicts trying to drop drugs. Develop wholesome characters and habits.

But I know, if I am going to stay back, even I try not to blame anyone in my club, that stuck air will trap in my chest. Because, till now, I didn't really see any change in attitude, I felt sacrificed, and its for no worth. I sacrificed for nothing. This is the impure part of mine, I want to eradicate... This thought... This feeling...This perception...

To let everything keep running, someone got to do the work and I jumped into this pit of mess. The mind was configured to the club, everything was about club matters. There is no one taking care of them!! How can I not concern? Has anyone put the clubs and its members including the council members welfare into mind? That stucked breath in me... was that feeling of unworthy of sacrifice, sacrificed my time and effort, and once again I had to let down my lecturers and friends too, I might got to repeat another whole year, my graduation is 1 year later, I am no longer with the same flow of my friends.

Who cares? Who really understand how much was lost in my poly life? There is almost nothing, to be the reason for me to carry on this way. No one understand that kind of pain. If one is able to understand it, he wouldn't seat and watch, he wouldn't. Busy..Busy...Busy...I am supposed to be busy as well! In the end? I did extra even...out of my work area... suck up all my time. Thru this blog, made up of alphabets, who can really see, how I really felt behind the monitor, who can see that tears are going to flow.

If till this point, I am still blamed, I am not being understanding of their conditions and situation, not being fair towards others, I am too extreme... then... my tears would fall again, for another year, for the second time...

and now... I really need a ear who listens, the eye who can sees, and the heart which can feel, the one who I could really cry my sorrow, a refuge for me to really release all that vengeances in the chest, in the painful heart.

I got to face up to the result... no matter good or bad. If I were to cause that downfall on me because of laziness, fun, slacking my time off... I deserved a tight slap, but for now, this hand will never fall on my check as the truth is on my side.

I don't want to blame anyone, I just want my sacrifice, to be a worthy one and hope no more such things like this to happen in my club...because I am not the first one in this club but I would want to be that last one. That sharing in effort and time... saves you and me. Has anyone really understood?

Be Strong... man... Be Strong... Be Strong... Face it... face it even I got to retain.
Forgive, Forget. Let this pain and vengeances disappear.
May this pain and vengeances disappear in me, like a line drawn on water.

Do you understand why I wanted to help so much?
Do you understand why I wanted to learn how to bring happiness for those whom I care?
Because, that feeling of loneliness, helpless... the kind of situation where no ones offers his hand, is a very painful experience... I understand that kind of feeling, Thus I try, in all ways to help as much.

Please...

Oh... Dear me,

Please Be Responsible for your every act.
Please Be Responsible for your every speech.
Please Be Punctual.
Please Be Diligent and not being Negligent.
Please Be Respectful and Humble.
Please Be Understanding.
Please Be Contented.
Please spare a thought for everyone.
Please Do not bring unhappiness to others.
Be a source of happy and warm memories to friends.
A refuge, a shelter. A great friend which can be relied
In any point of time. A noble friend.

Please...

(Tobbie poem inspired)

Studies? or Buddhism?

Hai~ Although I had a complete submission this time, i am aware... still prone to the danger of retaining... Why huh? Why? Is there really no way to fufill both sides? I must talk to my club people again. Don't mention about the batches same as me... I should nurture the upcoming ones and put into a powerful system which carry on the idea/values and passing down of skills and knowledge. I must make a change. The problem is the system of passing down and lack of right values to the club.

I must be liberated to liberate, thus, similarly I cannot neglect studies. I was wrong to think that Dhamma as buddhist stuffs, which those I have to focus. Wrong! Each action and thought of mine is the true Dhamma. This must be make known.

"Doing whatever should be done,Happiness will not be a stranger"

Yes. Basic things, complete thing all of them dutifully, is also a practise and its a true practise.

"The mother and father are the East,
The Teachers are the South,
Wife and Children are the West,
The friends and associates are the North.

Servants and employees are the Nadir,
The ascetics and brahmans are the Zenith;
Who is fit to lead the household life,
These six quarters he should salute.

Who is wise and virtuous,
Gentle and keen-witted,
Humble and amenable,
Such a one to honor may attain.

Who is energetic and not indolent,
In misfortune unshaken,
Flawless in manner and intelligent,
Such a one to honor may attain.

Who is hospitable, and friendly,
Liberal and unselfish,
A guide, an instructor, a leader,
Such a one to honor may attain.

Generosity, sweet speech,
Helpfulness to others,Impartiality to all,
As the case demands."

I discovered, all this points are actually repeatedly mentioned in different suttas and they are all based on a similar concept. None-of them leave the practise of morality, virtue, dicipline and training of mind and go in line with the 8 foldpath.

This practise, is all about our own deeds. Avoid evil, Do good, purify the mind, This is the teachings of the Buddha. Its deep, yet its not.

1.Avoiding evil is doing good, is purifying the mind.
2.Doing good is avoiding evil, is purifying the mind.

Good, doesn't refer to the so called good deeds only. Not being selfish, being kind, being responsible is good as well. So, summary:

"Let him not perform the slightest wrong for which wise men may rebuke him.
(Let him think:) 'May all beings be happy and safe. May they have happy minds."

"the enlightened man —
discerning, learned,enduring,
dutiful, noble,intelligent,
a man of integrity: follow him —
one of this sort — as the moon,
the path of the zodiac stars." -Dhp 206-

Kept up to my words~!

Finally~! A complete submitting for my Joint crit with completed requirements. Although I till missed out something but I am punctual~! Firstly I've got to thanks those who has helped me along Lor... If not for Ian, I wouldn't get my ES report done and binded, If not for Hong zhi's accompany, machinery and generous offer of transport by his dad, I wouldn't complete my model and submit my things that early~! 8am...wow... and also thanks to those who had tried to help me and those who helped each other.

That tedious night a hong zhi house, that chat keeps me alive and reminding ourselves to carry on working throughout the night till morning.

This few days pretty luxurious kind of lifestyle. Such an honour to be sent to school and home by friends car. Haha... This year of the Dog is a good begining for me. Since the first day of chinese new year till now. Everything is just as fine as good, negative feelings is to its least.

A good year. Year of the Dog

Its a very good chinese new year. The year of the dog is good. The flowers bloomed nicely, everything went smoothly. I've completed my work, having friend around to help me. Leading a pretty luxurious kind of lifestyle. Such an honour to be sent to school and home by friends car. Haha... This year of the Dog is a good begining for me. Everything is fine and good, negative feelings is to its least.

Learning from Ensabathnur, a member of the club. No one see him before actually...haha. He was pretty down recently. He said he seems to have everything in the past, but now everything seems to be lost, friends, gal friend...etc. Can't really help him, cause I am not as his side~! All I can give is encouragements.

I will lose those as well, and now I felt a strong attachment in me, I don't want to lose my friends, I want them to be forever. "I will grow different and depart from things appealing to me..." the 4th reflection has put into effect these time round. I've not found the true happiness yet. True happiness which lies in the heart of mind which is not conditioned, I've not found it.

Its hard to understand, why all these is illusiory, in fact all feelings and emotion I am feeling now is created by the mind. Because of this strong feelings, it inspires me to enter the stream even more, so that I can love them even more truly, absence of selfishness and ego...etc. Deeply into the true happiness which I can share, which will really bring everyone I love, happiness.

I've understand why in the Karaniya Metta Sutta, the buddha mentioned "Be capable, upright, & straightforward, easy to instruct, gentle, & not conceited, content & easy to support,with few duties, living lightly,with peaceful faculties, masterful,modest, & no greed for supporters."
I discover I am able to do that, because of this "may all beings be happy at heart". By being capable, upright, & straightforward, easy to instruct, gentle...etc, I do not bring suffering to others as well as myself. Happiness, loving kindness existed in such a condition.

When did I discover this? It's a Ian's house, when I went there to do my ES and model. Not only that, through observing what I did and the consequence effect, I've saw the cycle of Sila, Panna, Samadhi:
"such is the concentration which is caused by morality, Such is the wisdom caused by concentration."

and began to see the link in the teachings getting clearer and clearer. There seems to be growth in me. Exactly, when one has admirable people as friends, companions, & colleagues, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.

Associate with people with integrity, be a person with integrity, a noble friend to others. Did I do everything for Dhamma? It can't be phrase this way, Dhamma is not something which one can obtain or get. Dhamma is to be seen and understood. The cause to practise changes as well, at first I did it because I want to be freed from all sufferings, through the path of practise, I've understood more, the reason to practise changes as well. Now I perfect myself, for the sake of others too, because I wished to bring happiness to others.

"Let him not perform the slightest wrong for which wise men may rebuke him.
(Let him think:) 'May all beings be happy and safe. May they have happy minds"
This describes it in the best way of phrasing.