Great morning... Jialat evening...
This morning and afternoon is joyous... I relax... calm...
All begins from me sending "lotus" magazine to Evergreen bookshop. Finally I got the manager and was given permission. Auspicious! I asked about ordering a Pali tripitaka... and they listen wrngly... I wanted english translation...but they thought i wanted chinese translation. Oh my Buddha! I didn't knw there is a chinese translation. I kept reading on... the pali sutras in chinese language... wonderful....i'm filled with joy...haha...
Sending stuffs back...heavy trolly and some books I bought... I tried to called someone so that they can take them back for me...and I proccede to hm for loading my photos for competition in SP. Didn't manage to get anyone...
Auspicious! I was at buona vista .." did u call me!" LOL... just in time..
Dark times comes... Mum nags at hm... Bad mood liao... den going out... after buying diskette....Siao liao...no more $$ LOL...ez-link also no money...jia lat...need to print photos...need to go meeting...I'm sure late...
""Bad mood + worries + remorse...""
many ppl call me... on the way...when i am getting worried and restless..
""Bad mood + worries + remorse+irritation...""
trying to Get help from william... hope he can help me print while i am travelling... cos everything is in the email... Wha... i doesn't get my message... ia lso dunno how to explain...talk until i missed my stop...
""Bad mood + worries + remorse+irritation+anger...""
Got down the bus... while walking... try to calm myself down... keeping all the negativities down... got to library...first word i go " Xinhao late le hor... "
frm wesley....
""Bad mood + worries + remorse+irritation+anger+more irritation...""
nevermind...restrain... tolerate...
den looking for william urgently...I scared I missed the time for submitting the things... furthurmore nt only my things lor... got other ppl stuffs...
I saw him doing other things else! the way he explains sounds like an excuse...
"Boomb" 20% released...
I Hit the table... and say..."Just print the emails with photos can le!"
They silent...I silent...
Telling myself... Restrain...restraint... how can i be ungrateful to other ppls help and here i am speaking in an unfriendly manner.
So... things start getting cropped up... diskette got problem... Wesley add fire, forget what he said...and what he did... I say "I am rushing something...dun de siao me pls... I dun want to flare at u".... he can't hear what i'm saying... so i had a deep breath and say again, "I am rushing some things... If i am late nevermind...but i am helping other ppl also... i can't afford to submit other ppl's things late... so pls dun disturb me... leave me alone... thanks... " and he lefted.
arh huh~! "I am tested for my enduring limits... here i go mara...i spot u"...
finally got to calm down... and do things... I tell myself...i'm nt going to fail the test.
Den Finally...settled on time! Get to the meeting....Apologised for late...
carry on...
Auspicious...everything is fine... but the irritation somehow is there...
Settle next meeting date so difficult! wha...spoke abit harsh...
Relax again...
finally... got tamed...
Arh... hard is to restrain in the senses... but it is achievable with effort...
Life isn't that bad... We get to experience real joy... freedom frm this anger and stuffs...
rather than to hack care.... where everything repeat and repeat itself.
What I need is to put in more effort I taming the defilments...
Keep seeking forgiveness... dunno why..i felt better always after doing that... and also it motivates me to do better... and tat dark side in the heart reduces when we seek forgiveness of what mistakes we have done.
Recollecting the virtues... helps alot in supporting the mind in wholesome and positive states...
This is how the day ended.... Learned something again...
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Recalling the past... As a lesson
Once I've thought of this.
"Yeah~! I've so many friends. Nevermind if I short of a few."
or sometimes "Nevermind, I've you as my friend still, don't mind leaving out them."
That's a selfish thought in me. But no, thats a wrong attitude, I told myself. Recalling, "At some point of time, I am in need of help. If its not because of you. I might not have free myself from such burdens."
The amount of love given in at the moment, is same as the other has given. We see difference in amount. More sacrifices = More love.
True in a way, one willingness to sacrifice shows how much actually one loved. But can't deny, they had once gave in too.
hey... I think i'm slapping myself...
but recalling again... "at moments that I didn't had anyone..."
That feeling is very bad...
Thinking again, I've been through the good... I've been through the bad...
What would I lost when I desire to experience the good? What did I gain when I reject to experience the undesired? From moment to moment, nothing stays.
"Who's in the hut?
A monk's in the hut —
free from passion,
with well-centered mind.
Know this, my friend:
The hut you built
wasn't wasted.
This was your old hut,
and you aspire to another,
new hut.
Discard your hope for a hut, monk.
A new hut will be
painful all over again."
hmm....STILL... between reality and delusion. But I learned more... Gained more... than before.
Alot more... This path is correct. I can feel the difference, the speed is shocking as the more I see, the faster it goes. Just like level up... got more power to kill the bandits.
Not really prepared to make this investment... I've strings still attached... Just got to make the choice... Cut... or not...
Who really understands, that feeling of "hold a lamp amidst the darkness, so that those who have eyes may see"? Those who knows, understands.
But the greatest taints is ignorance. One with ignorance take what is right as wrong, what is wrong as right... I've never seen any Jia Lat person compare even jia lat than a ignorant person.
Just like the poem from the Arahant:
"One who sees,
sees who sees,
sees who doesn't.
One who doesn't see,
doesn't
see who sees,
or who doesn't."
How far do you see?
What is the feeling, when greed, hatred, delusion cease to exist in you??
Come'on, its only when greed, hatred, delusion has cease in you, than you can understand.
No scholars on books and description can comprehand it fully.
"Those bhikkhus of mine, Ananda, who now or after I am gone, abide as an island unto themselves, as a refuge unto themselves, seeking no other refuge; having the Dhamma as their island and refuge, seeking no other refuge:
it is they who will become the highest, if they have the desire to learn."
"Yeah~! I've so many friends. Nevermind if I short of a few."
or sometimes "Nevermind, I've you as my friend still, don't mind leaving out them."
That's a selfish thought in me. But no, thats a wrong attitude, I told myself. Recalling, "At some point of time, I am in need of help. If its not because of you. I might not have free myself from such burdens."
The amount of love given in at the moment, is same as the other has given. We see difference in amount. More sacrifices = More love.
True in a way, one willingness to sacrifice shows how much actually one loved. But can't deny, they had once gave in too.
hey... I think i'm slapping myself...
but recalling again... "at moments that I didn't had anyone..."
That feeling is very bad...
Thinking again, I've been through the good... I've been through the bad...
What would I lost when I desire to experience the good? What did I gain when I reject to experience the undesired? From moment to moment, nothing stays.
"Who's in the hut?
A monk's in the hut —
free from passion,
with well-centered mind.
Know this, my friend:
The hut you built
wasn't wasted.
This was your old hut,
and you aspire to another,
new hut.
Discard your hope for a hut, monk.
A new hut will be
painful all over again."
hmm....STILL... between reality and delusion. But I learned more... Gained more... than before.
Alot more... This path is correct. I can feel the difference, the speed is shocking as the more I see, the faster it goes. Just like level up... got more power to kill the bandits.
Not really prepared to make this investment... I've strings still attached... Just got to make the choice... Cut... or not...
Who really understands, that feeling of "hold a lamp amidst the darkness, so that those who have eyes may see"? Those who knows, understands.
But the greatest taints is ignorance. One with ignorance take what is right as wrong, what is wrong as right... I've never seen any Jia Lat person compare even jia lat than a ignorant person.
Just like the poem from the Arahant:
"One who sees,
sees who sees,
sees who doesn't.
One who doesn't see,
doesn't
see who sees,
or who doesn't."
How far do you see?
What is the feeling, when greed, hatred, delusion cease to exist in you??
Come'on, its only when greed, hatred, delusion has cease in you, than you can understand.
No scholars on books and description can comprehand it fully.
"Those bhikkhus of mine, Ananda, who now or after I am gone, abide as an island unto themselves, as a refuge unto themselves, seeking no other refuge; having the Dhamma as their island and refuge, seeking no other refuge:
it is they who will become the highest, if they have the desire to learn."
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Interesting week...
Many things happened... But by trying to see it positively... Helps a lot... = )
First day of the week, the historical AGM. Thanks to those who came. I felt the support. Being so call "abandoned" by my president, that's what I felt... Abandoned. Heartbreaking feeling, that's all I can say.
Poor management, lack of experience, lack of knowledge and abilities. It might not be a sin, but its consequences does not revolve around management problem in the club but also human feelings between humans. Don't put the wrong people at the wrong position. I would prefer anything than wrong person at the wrong place. It is a treadgy, that we are in this whirlpool. I forgive, nevermind, what is gone. Let it be.
End of 40th com, start of 41th com.
What a beautiful start. Demostration of efficiency and effectivness even before the com was formed. All suggestions to us goes along to the goal. We are all heading towards one direction. All united. What a good wish by the President, May the 41th com, beautiful in the start, beautiful in the middle, beautiful in the end, just like the Dhamma.
What a testimony by Wei Chuan, What a praise from Chun Kiang.
Let's drop the past.
Thanks to Ming gen.
I know that one person can't succeed, though my plans are in me. You shown your support towards them, and put in the full effort in running them. Now it has came to reality, more is coming to reality. You've helped me made my dreams, real.
Didn't really know that deep in you, do you really agree in me... But your plans, are those which I didn't need to reject. A glance I know this is what i wanted.
Today....wesley accompanied my walk all over singapore to settle the distribution of lotus... What a friend indeed.
The 41 com is in"one". All take care their positions, including the student advisory roles. I am grateful, that in the end... you all have came to my rescue. This is the day, I've ended the vicious cycle on my hands, ended the selfish idea of putting 1 bodhisattva to hold everything. This is the day, where everyone truly becomes bodhisattvas, with true spirit of friendship, the idea of giving in.
BS is healthy, I got my time to spent with my dear friends... which do concern about me and my studies, can stop making them worry... and also I can excel in my diploma...at least this last lap i'm running in Poly.
Another Side of my world. 2 pairs of couples... hoho... Seen the true face of human relationship actually. It's not perfect, cause no one is perfect. It is sure to have a sense of selfishness..and other bad points. It will become perfect, if there is love, to accept both good sides and bad sides, so that we do not hate or blame each other because of our flaws as a human, selflessly giving in as much as possible to help, to care, to concern. Always wishing others to be well, happy and safe, free from unhappiness and sorrow, just like a mother caring for her only child.
Only love achieve this, only love can accept all good and bad of you.
From love, we have understanding, from understanding we are forgiving.
From love, we concern and care.
From love, we are selfless.
Perfect our love, from loving speech, loving action, and loving thought.
It is a way to happiness too.
True love is absent of selfishness and desire. Unbias, immeasurable, unconditional.
Absent of self and desire, is ending of suffering.
From that one actually sees the drawbacks of sensuality pleasure, and all phenomena.
Therefore he renounce from them.
Practisitioners reading should take note of this.
Bhavana is the way to purification of the mind. There is no shortcut.
Not by doing so call "meditation" alone can fufill the training.
Don't be fooled, my senior monks cares alot for me too when I am a samanera.
First day of the week, the historical AGM. Thanks to those who came. I felt the support. Being so call "abandoned" by my president, that's what I felt... Abandoned. Heartbreaking feeling, that's all I can say.
Poor management, lack of experience, lack of knowledge and abilities. It might not be a sin, but its consequences does not revolve around management problem in the club but also human feelings between humans. Don't put the wrong people at the wrong position. I would prefer anything than wrong person at the wrong place. It is a treadgy, that we are in this whirlpool. I forgive, nevermind, what is gone. Let it be.
End of 40th com, start of 41th com.
What a beautiful start. Demostration of efficiency and effectivness even before the com was formed. All suggestions to us goes along to the goal. We are all heading towards one direction. All united. What a good wish by the President, May the 41th com, beautiful in the start, beautiful in the middle, beautiful in the end, just like the Dhamma.
What a testimony by Wei Chuan, What a praise from Chun Kiang.
Let's drop the past.
Thanks to Ming gen.
I know that one person can't succeed, though my plans are in me. You shown your support towards them, and put in the full effort in running them. Now it has came to reality, more is coming to reality. You've helped me made my dreams, real.
Didn't really know that deep in you, do you really agree in me... But your plans, are those which I didn't need to reject. A glance I know this is what i wanted.
Today....wesley accompanied my walk all over singapore to settle the distribution of lotus... What a friend indeed.
The 41 com is in"one". All take care their positions, including the student advisory roles. I am grateful, that in the end... you all have came to my rescue. This is the day, I've ended the vicious cycle on my hands, ended the selfish idea of putting 1 bodhisattva to hold everything. This is the day, where everyone truly becomes bodhisattvas, with true spirit of friendship, the idea of giving in.
BS is healthy, I got my time to spent with my dear friends... which do concern about me and my studies, can stop making them worry... and also I can excel in my diploma...at least this last lap i'm running in Poly.
Another Side of my world. 2 pairs of couples... hoho... Seen the true face of human relationship actually. It's not perfect, cause no one is perfect. It is sure to have a sense of selfishness..and other bad points. It will become perfect, if there is love, to accept both good sides and bad sides, so that we do not hate or blame each other because of our flaws as a human, selflessly giving in as much as possible to help, to care, to concern. Always wishing others to be well, happy and safe, free from unhappiness and sorrow, just like a mother caring for her only child.
Only love achieve this, only love can accept all good and bad of you.
From love, we have understanding, from understanding we are forgiving.
From love, we concern and care.
From love, we are selfless.
Perfect our love, from loving speech, loving action, and loving thought.
It is a way to happiness too.
True love is absent of selfishness and desire. Unbias, immeasurable, unconditional.
Absent of self and desire, is ending of suffering.
From that one actually sees the drawbacks of sensuality pleasure, and all phenomena.
Therefore he renounce from them.
Practisitioners reading should take note of this.
Bhavana is the way to purification of the mind. There is no shortcut.
Not by doing so call "meditation" alone can fufill the training.
Don't be fooled, my senior monks cares alot for me too when I am a samanera.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
The KL trip with DARCH
Intresting trip. The 3 days had past quickly.
Well~ It was a sweet and sour kinda trip to me... haha...
Every detail has a meaning to me, as detail as walking at my right side or left side can mean something to me. Scarey ah? Maybe thats why I get upset easily, too many little things show negative signs.
I think when the time to leave has come, attachment has revealled in my heart.
I didn't expect it to be so strong...
It is not about leaving a place... it is walking out a life into another.
Leaving everything behind, I'm left with food, lodging, medcine and robes.
Am I ready to make such a lifetime investment? Now, I don't think I am.
I am still between reality and illusions.
Thinking...
I have left with 1 yr in poly 2 yrs in NS and that's it. I am gone... All the rest will remain as memories...
I can't wait to take as much photos as possible... to keep all the memories that we have been together, furthurmore it is a rare chance to go for a holiday trip together like this!
But I'm being dissapointed over that relactant attitude... I'm buring inside, I'm anxious...
A few times I blow up and spoke with an harsh attitude.
Is shopping worth more than the time and memories we spent together?
I don't know what everyone is thinking... I don't know what to say, though I tried to speak.
I'm still worried over the most fundamental thing of all...
where do I stand, in everyones heart?
I see the other side of everyone... it was somehow dissapointing... I don't want to see, I don't want to hear anymore, I don't want to speak... stuffing my ears with the ear piece, calming melody, singing praises of beautiful memories...
then I heard this... 人生短短几十年，何必斤斤来计较...
ya... The time left is short, why do I mind so much. 所有的失望与伤痛，我已经包容下来了。
Whatever is done, I will be always there... No matter what you all have become... This is a promise. Thinking back, I should accept whatever it is.
因为爱，所以包容一切。This is the most valuable lesson I've learnt.
But one thing I can't deny... I felt insecure...
Thank you jac... for being there when I felt the worst...
Thank you jon... Your little little acts,
intentional or unintentional, gave me some sense of hope and warmth,
especially tat grap on my shoulders when we took the photo at the Archi. Sek San's house.
Thats what I was looking forward, for the whole group of friends.
...and simple things like the slippers...
Although I dun get to snap like u and HZ, wearing the same shirt...
Maybe I'm seeing things too "fine" where others see things "coarse".
Well~ It was a sweet and sour kinda trip to me... haha...
Every detail has a meaning to me, as detail as walking at my right side or left side can mean something to me. Scarey ah? Maybe thats why I get upset easily, too many little things show negative signs.
I think when the time to leave has come, attachment has revealled in my heart.
I didn't expect it to be so strong...
It is not about leaving a place... it is walking out a life into another.
Leaving everything behind, I'm left with food, lodging, medcine and robes.
Am I ready to make such a lifetime investment? Now, I don't think I am.
I am still between reality and illusions.
Thinking...
I have left with 1 yr in poly 2 yrs in NS and that's it. I am gone... All the rest will remain as memories...
I can't wait to take as much photos as possible... to keep all the memories that we have been together, furthurmore it is a rare chance to go for a holiday trip together like this!
But I'm being dissapointed over that relactant attitude... I'm buring inside, I'm anxious...
A few times I blow up and spoke with an harsh attitude.
Is shopping worth more than the time and memories we spent together?
I don't know what everyone is thinking... I don't know what to say, though I tried to speak.
I'm still worried over the most fundamental thing of all...
where do I stand, in everyones heart?
I see the other side of everyone... it was somehow dissapointing... I don't want to see, I don't want to hear anymore, I don't want to speak... stuffing my ears with the ear piece, calming melody, singing praises of beautiful memories...
then I heard this... 人生短短几十年，何必斤斤来计较...
ya... The time left is short, why do I mind so much. 所有的失望与伤痛，我已经包容下来了。
Whatever is done, I will be always there... No matter what you all have become... This is a promise. Thinking back, I should accept whatever it is.
因为爱，所以包容一切。This is the most valuable lesson I've learnt.
But one thing I can't deny... I felt insecure...
Thank you jac... for being there when I felt the worst...
Thank you jon... Your little little acts,
intentional or unintentional, gave me some sense of hope and warmth,
especially tat grap on my shoulders when we took the photo at the Archi. Sek San's house.
Thats what I was looking forward, for the whole group of friends.
...and simple things like the slippers...
Although I dun get to snap like u and HZ, wearing the same shirt...
Maybe I'm seeing things too "fine" where others see things "coarse".
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