My Great Uncle (大伯) Died on the 6th October 2008, after enduring 8 months of Stomach Cancer.
I witness the time when he was sick...
originally mild plumb and humorous, he became skinny and weak.
when he hospitalize and about to go.... with virus infection due to low immunity. He can't eat anymore, living on drips of glucose and salt water, constantly supplying mild dosage morphine into his body to reduce his pain. Because of the morphine, he is tired and unconscious most of the time, as if sleeping. We got to wake him up, in less than 1 min, he'll go back to sleep gradually.
when he laid in the coffin with thick make up...
his body in coffin after 5 days... where he will be sent for cremation.
When his body become ashes, the bones.
When his remains was finally installed on the "unit" in the columbarium
.
I reflected every part on myself. Either I die peacefully, or die in pain, leaving everything behind. At the moment of death, there is nothing I can do to help my uncle, other then dedicating merits, he depended on his own actions done and his own mind to overcome. Similarly, I will need to go through this process alone, leaving my possessions, parting from the living ones.
After death, what is left, is only the body, a matter which will slowly decompose. What association does this body had with the living, that once had spoke to them, had done things and showed concern to people?
I realize a lot of things. Although I understand, the living will die, and I will be parted from them, the loved or unloved ones. I still feel the pain and sour feeling at certain moments, like when my nephew said she missed him, and when the family kneel down to receive the banners for my uncle. Esp. the banner part. The music is so... not moody or sad, got drums and stuffs, but the heart felt sad and miserable.
I did what I could, the first thing I did, after receiving the news of his death, I took half day leave to the temple and performed Dakkhina Dana for him. That's all I can do to benefit him, hopefully.
Regardless of chants and things we do for the dead, the most reliable and accountable is only the mind of the decease. Thinking back, to depend on the living to save me when I passed away, I rather depend more on my own mind, which can achieve fearless and at ease, on performing meritorious deeds, that I'm proud to say I did not live in vain and sin which I'll feel remorseful at moment of death.
About mode of funeral, I preferred the Taoist one than the Mahayana Buddhist one. In fact in the Dhamma of Buddha, it is absent of the idea "超度", where one can liberate the dead.
I met Toaist priest, and Monks performing rituals for the dead. The Toaist priest looks more sincere, anyway, business making, collecting money is not forbaded, unlike Monks.
What about Joss stick, and those paper money? Some Buddhist complaint about me doing that.
But to me, that's a appropriate way for me to show my respect and heart to the dead, and the living relatives. Doing something for the dead, ease my heart, than to grow my ego and point fingers at others, saying them "superstitious". In fact, through this, I can spread my mental states of love and concern to them easily.
Secretly, I've done what I knew that can benefit the dead... doing my part, but not causing others to feel uncomfortable. My dad will be contrubuting to the cloth offering on Kathina Day for my Uncle as well.
My wishes, and whatever I've done, is just a hope, that he will be reborned to a better place, with a better body and mind. Healthy both physically and mentally.
You see, when he is reborned, he is no longer with regard to us... we know him, but we as if never knew each other.
'I have sons, I have wealth' —
the fool torments himself.
When even he himself
doesn't belong to himself,
How then sons?
How wealth?
-Dhammapada 62
Questions for me:
Am I prepared enough for the day I leave the world?
Can I endure the pain at the moment of death?
Can I leave happily, at ease and fearless?
I purposely attended the bone picking, just to see how bones are really like. How the transformation of a body into a bone. Just calcium... Like some stone... Same to mine.
So this Body of mine is really a Matter!
Ah! Too much to mention... but All lies in my heart... = )
