Intresting trip. The 3 days had past quickly.
Well~ It was a sweet and sour kinda trip to me... haha...
Every detail has a meaning to me, as detail as walking at my right side or left side can mean something to me. Scarey ah? Maybe thats why I get upset easily, too many little things show negative signs.
I think when the time to leave has come, attachment has revealled in my heart.
I didn't expect it to be so strong...
It is not about leaving a place... it is walking out a life into another.
Leaving everything behind, I'm left with food, lodging, medcine and robes.
Am I ready to make such a lifetime investment? Now, I don't think I am.
I am still between reality and illusions.
Thinking...
I have left with 1 yr in poly 2 yrs in NS and that's it. I am gone... All the rest will remain as memories...
I can't wait to take as much photos as possible... to keep all the memories that we have been together, furthurmore it is a rare chance to go for a holiday trip together like this!
But I'm being dissapointed over that relactant attitude... I'm buring inside, I'm anxious...
A few times I blow up and spoke with an harsh attitude.
Is shopping worth more than the time and memories we spent together?
I don't know what everyone is thinking... I don't know what to say, though I tried to speak.
I'm still worried over the most fundamental thing of all...
where do I stand, in everyones heart?
I see the other side of everyone... it was somehow dissapointing... I don't want to see, I don't want to hear anymore, I don't want to speak... stuffing my ears with the ear piece, calming melody, singing praises of beautiful memories...
then I heard this... 人生短短几十年，何必斤斤来计较...
ya... The time left is short, why do I mind so much. 所有的失望与伤痛，我已经包容下来了。
Whatever is done, I will be always there... No matter what you all have become... This is a promise. Thinking back, I should accept whatever it is.
因为爱，所以包容一切。This is the most valuable lesson I've learnt.
But one thing I can't deny... I felt insecure...
Thank you jac... for being there when I felt the worst...
Thank you jon... Your little little acts,
intentional or unintentional, gave me some sense of hope and warmth,
especially tat grap on my shoulders when we took the photo at the Archi. Sek San's house.
Thats what I was looking forward, for the whole group of friends.
...and simple things like the slippers...
Although I dun get to snap like u and HZ, wearing the same shirt...
Maybe I'm seeing things too "fine" where others see things "coarse".
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
世间有太多失望
失望的事情太多。
不能控制的事情太多。
泪水太多。
手牵手，一起走的精神在哪里？
伸出疲倦的手，幸好一路上有人搀扶。。。
但却不完美。
因为40 council的结局是一场悲剧。
它没有感情，
也没有温暖，
更没有团结精神。
真不希望带着遗憾告别，
收场是美丽的拥抱，
真诚的友谊，一起走下去的精神。
该有多好。
41 是不会和 40 一样。
因为40的每一个成员，
是同年，同一批，
一起走过的。
不能控制的事情太多。
泪水太多。
手牵手，一起走的精神在哪里？
伸出疲倦的手，幸好一路上有人搀扶。。。
但却不完美。
因为40 council的结局是一场悲剧。
它没有感情，
也没有温暖，
更没有团结精神。
真不希望带着遗憾告别，
收场是美丽的拥抱，
真诚的友谊，一起走下去的精神。
该有多好。
41 是不会和 40 一样。
因为40的每一个成员，
是同年，同一批，
一起走过的。
Thursday, May 18, 2006
It was painful, but I have heal myself
[ Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
They kept on walking until they found an oasis,where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
"After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"
The other friend replied,
"When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it." ]
I left the ADRC alone. Where has everyone gone to? I thought I still have someone by my side, concerned about me even though most of them were in pairs. It seems that I was wrong...
I felt the air while we were walking together. Because I can no longer feel anything. No warmth, no heart, no feeling of that togetherness. I am alone.
All along, feelings are just momentary. It is hard, but I know I can't be wrong if I maintain myself right.
I shouldn't mind about how I was hurt, forget about how I felt. I should never hurt.
Knowing that it is painful, I shouldn't do it.
Always love and care despite anything hurting they have done. I should maintain a heart ever pure and right.
I am always there for my 8 friends. I will learn not to depend on anyone for happiness and warmth, I have to achieve the state of "no need for care and concern" so that I can be strong enough to be dependable for others.
Learn from the trees, who offered shelther to anyone who comes by without difference. Even it was chopped, it is ever beneficial. This is a teaching to me.
This was the first time ever since I found myself in the group, I felt I am dropped out totally. I left alone. Walking alone, dragging the injured feelings, a bunch of friends were singing loudly while they walked together...
当我们同在一起，在一起，在一起...
当我们同在一起时快乐无比，
我对着你笑嘻嘻，
你对着我笑哈哈，
当我们同在一起时快乐无比...
Maybe I am a person too deep to be understood.
Maybe I am someone who is too good in hiding feelings... to the extend,
no one truely know how I felt, how am I doing...
No one can never know how sensitive I can be...
I treat what was said by others seriously,
never try to fool me by saying it's a joke.
The knowledge I knew about mind enables me to know,
some kind of jokes would be said,
only if the object gives the mind that particular impression.
Whatever was told, is a reflection of impressions I gave to others.
... But I lack the ability to differenciate jokes and facts... So I treat everything true...
Takes time to perfect myself.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
They kept on walking until they found an oasis,where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
"After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"
The other friend replied,
"When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it." ]
I left the ADRC alone. Where has everyone gone to? I thought I still have someone by my side, concerned about me even though most of them were in pairs. It seems that I was wrong...
I felt the air while we were walking together. Because I can no longer feel anything. No warmth, no heart, no feeling of that togetherness. I am alone.
All along, feelings are just momentary. It is hard, but I know I can't be wrong if I maintain myself right.
I shouldn't mind about how I was hurt, forget about how I felt. I should never hurt.
Knowing that it is painful, I shouldn't do it.
Always love and care despite anything hurting they have done. I should maintain a heart ever pure and right.
I am always there for my 8 friends. I will learn not to depend on anyone for happiness and warmth, I have to achieve the state of "no need for care and concern" so that I can be strong enough to be dependable for others.
Learn from the trees, who offered shelther to anyone who comes by without difference. Even it was chopped, it is ever beneficial. This is a teaching to me.
This was the first time ever since I found myself in the group, I felt I am dropped out totally. I left alone. Walking alone, dragging the injured feelings, a bunch of friends were singing loudly while they walked together...
当我们同在一起，在一起，在一起...
当我们同在一起时快乐无比，
我对着你笑嘻嘻，
你对着我笑哈哈，
当我们同在一起时快乐无比...
Maybe I am a person too deep to be understood.
Maybe I am someone who is too good in hiding feelings... to the extend,
no one truely know how I felt, how am I doing...
No one can never know how sensitive I can be...
I treat what was said by others seriously,
never try to fool me by saying it's a joke.
The knowledge I knew about mind enables me to know,
some kind of jokes would be said,
only if the object gives the mind that particular impression.
Whatever was told, is a reflection of impressions I gave to others.
... But I lack the ability to differenciate jokes and facts... So I treat everything true...
Takes time to perfect myself.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Unbias heart
How to see things without any biasness???
All I knew is to do it with a pure heart free from ideas. Now listening to the music, I can truly appreciate them as what it is.
Recalling previously, I passed some flowers to William and decided to let him do the offerings and decorations. When I came into the clubhouse, Wow... First thought, Who did this??
So nice... The flowers are well arranged and mixed. Especially the flower petals. Leaves from the flower are plucked and made into a cushion and the petals are put on it.
Later I found out it was william. Wonderful, I didn't expect he can be good in such. Isn't that the heart of appreciation? I can feel the initiatives and kind intention, the energy was oozing out from the flowers. I believe he must have put in lots of thoughts in decorating the room.
But it would be funny when the heart is filled with biasness, it choose what it prefers, rather than what it is in its own quality of wholesome and unwholesome. The heart is masked with defilement of self, so heavy, so thick, probably didn't notice it. When opposes comes, it is seen as biasness...LOL...
All I knew is to do it with a pure heart free from ideas. Now listening to the music, I can truly appreciate them as what it is.
Recalling previously, I passed some flowers to William and decided to let him do the offerings and decorations. When I came into the clubhouse, Wow... First thought, Who did this??
So nice... The flowers are well arranged and mixed. Especially the flower petals. Leaves from the flower are plucked and made into a cushion and the petals are put on it.
Later I found out it was william. Wonderful, I didn't expect he can be good in such. Isn't that the heart of appreciation? I can feel the initiatives and kind intention, the energy was oozing out from the flowers. I believe he must have put in lots of thoughts in decorating the room.
But it would be funny when the heart is filled with biasness, it choose what it prefers, rather than what it is in its own quality of wholesome and unwholesome. The heart is masked with defilement of self, so heavy, so thick, probably didn't notice it. When opposes comes, it is seen as biasness...LOL...
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